Exercise in Futility

Dear Better Homes and Gardens,

This month's issue being an After-Holidays issue, there's a lot of column space dedicated to getting in shape. There's also a spread of twelve different cakes to try for Valentine's Day, but I mention that only in passing. In your "Healthy You" section, you outline how to develop a regular walking-for-exercise habit. You suggest that for motivation I enter a charity 5K walk, or contact the humane society for volunteer dog-walking. To banish any lingering grumbles, your fitness expert addresses the usual excuses not to exercise: Too Tired, No Time, Not Enough Time For Extended Workout... She fells them with easy, doable solutions.

"Got any more exercise excuses?" Well, yes. Three of them, actually.

I have Kids, something that never seems to intrude in your blissful exercise plans. Have you ever tried to exercise with kids, BH&G? I have. Kids don't settle back and leave you to your exercise; they get involved. The six-year-old flings around leg-stretches that would prove fatal if you tried it yourself. The five-year-old talks constantly about what good exercise he's doing are you watching Mama see what I'm doing I'm exercising see Mama? And the one-year-old thinks it's high fun when Mama starts to do situps, and plops herself on your tummy, bounces, and tries to stick her foot in your mouth. Try doing that ten minutes, three times a day.

And walking. Have you ever tried to walk for exercise with kids, BH&G? I have. It impacts my parenting negatively.

There is never a time during my day when I have just the baby to throw in the stroller. That's one of the downsides of homeschooling, I suppose. Or maybe the people in your world have an on-demand nanny service. Me, I'm lucky to get out of the house by 9 p.m. just to walk around the block three times.

Not that I begrudge your cheery advice. It must be nice to be oblivious.

Got any more suggestions?

Comparatively Speaking

Browsing through stores like T.J. Maxx, I look at price tags and feel dizzy. I'm surrounded by bargains! Look, this one on this shirt says, "OUR PRICE: $19.99. COMPARE TO: $39.99." And these jeans say, "OUR PRICE $34.00 COMPARE TO $49.99!" Wow, this is great! I need to snap up these great prices now! Everything is, like, seriously discounted!

Wait a minute.

Everything is, like, compared to a price double the amount. Any price looks good when compared to a bigger one. What a gyp. Then again, I could apply the same principles to my eating habits. Suddenly I come out looking a lot better. Suddenly I wonder why those extra 25 pounds aren't simply melting away. Anything looks good when you compare it to something worse.

OUR BREAKFAST:
Two chocolate graham crackers and a cup of 2% milk.
COMPARE TO:
Three chocolate-chip cookies and a cup of whole milk.

OUR LUNCH:
An entire piece of leftover sausage pizza (instead of the half I originally got), salad with Italian dressing, and water.
COMPARE TO:
TWO pieces of pizza, NO salad, and soda. A whole glass of it.

OUR SNACK:
M&Ms and milk
COMPARE TO:
Um, MORE M&Ms and milk

OUR SUPPER:
Two hefty servings of homemade beef stew, six gumball-sized rolls
COMPARE TO:
Two hefty servings of CANNED beef stew, six BIG rolls. Or maybe seven rolls.

OUR COFFEE BREAK:
A chai latte and an entire package of chocolate-covered toffees, even though I'd promised the kids I'd bring some home for them so I had to buy another package.
COMPARE TO:
Actually, that's pretty bad. Time to bring out the big guns:

Lent is coming. I'm eating sweets while I can.