You expect to outgrow it.
Throughout junior high and high school, it's the only thing that matters: I like him, does he like me, will he actually ask me to go with him, blah blah blah. Where I grew up, we didn't call it "going out," we called it "going with." Every single adult who heard us use the term would ask, "Going with him WHERE?" and chortle over how young and dumb we were. This from the generation that invented "going steady." (*grumble grumble Baby Boomers grumble grumble*) Of course we didn't actually go anywhere; once we were old enough to Go On Dates, there just weren't many places to go in a one-stoplight Southern town. But that didn't stop us from talking about the possibility virtually all the time.
As often happens, though, we grew up. I got married, moved away from my hometown, and had a baby all within about a year. That's when I found out that I hadn't put the dating game behind me. Now that it was easy as anything to get a date, get a kiss, get laid -- now I discovered that the playing field was still open. Only I wasn't a young single on the lookout for a boyfriend: I was a young mom on the lookout for friends.
It all felt strangely familiar. I'd catch sight of an interesting mom at the playground and strike up a conversation while our kids played. Maybe, just maybe, the chat would result in an exchange of phone numbers. If I was lucky, she'd be home when I called. We'd meet at the mall, or the library, a few times before venturing to suggest that we could have a playdate at one of our houses. All the while, we were testing the waters, figuring out if we clicked or not. We were always hoping to stumble on that one great friendship story, the one that said, "We met at this random place, started talking, and we haven't stopped for fifteen years!"
But good heavens was it hard to find that kind of friend! I wanted someone I could call up for no reason, or email seven times in one day without apology. Most of all, someone I could "go with": go with to get coffee, go with to browse shops, go with to a movie. I didn't think I was asking for much, but apparently I was asking for the moon. I did spend about a year getting together with one friend, plus exchanging frequent emails and weekly phone conversations... but it never really worked. In the end we tacitly agreed to be just acquaintances. It was pretty frustrating for someone who met, dated, and married the same guy. I thought romance was supposed to be the hard part.
When all else fails, be patient. One friend I particularly liked was Laura, who lived nearby and whose daughter is the same age as Ladybug. We instantly hit it off, but I learned -- painfully slowly -- that those fifteen-year conversations don't really happen instantaneously. It's one thing to spend an afternoon in pleasant chitchat while our children played. It took much longer for her to confide in me that she suffers from anxiety attacks, or for me to admit how lonely it could be as a stay-at-home mom. It's taken five years, in fact.
But finally. She asked me to go with her! For my birthday, no less. We left the kids with our respective husbands, and went out for lunch and coffee. Then we browsed shops together. When we headed home, Laura said, "We finally actually got away! Now that we've done it once, we'll have to do it again!"
It's only one coffee outing, I know. It's really too soon to say. But I think... I think it might be forever.
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7 comments:
OH I KNOW. It took me AGES to figure out how to approach you after I'd read your entire (other) blog. I finally went with the "LET'S BE FRIENDS!!!" approach.
Also, let's make it official: you don't have to apologize if you email seven times in a day, because I lovvvvve it.
God, you are so right. & in some ways it seems that finding other mom friends is harder than it was to find a man. In my experience women are more judgmental, esp when it comes to mothering, and there are times it's hard not to feel like an 8th grader making sure I sit at the right table for lunch.
The mom friends thing is so weird, I think. I don't know any mom who doesn't complain about lack of friends who really "get" her, lack of opportunity to get away as just girls, etc.
But I also find that in reality a lot of moms are hard to approach, or that we are all so busy and tired that sometimes keeping up a friendship seems like just another chore, even though it's a chore we know we'll enjoy at the end.
Oh yes, exactly. This is why we've been living in Pennsylvania for a year and still have barely any friends. I can't figure out how to get past the first shallow conversations with other mothers and we both work weekends, which makes it next to impossible to get together with people.
This is why I miss college. It was so easy to have a social life in college.
Swistle -- Your Let's Be Friends approach is pretty much the equivalent of, "I'm so glad he asked me out!" I can see us having fifteen years of conversations, unless people suddenly stop naming their children.
Shelly -- Ha, 8th grade lunch! What a wonderful description! Really, I do try to outgrow my junior high complexes but they're pretty firmly rooted.
DHousewife: I think most of us moms who complain about lack of friends are the ones who are hard-hit by the realization that making friends outside of hometown and school is a lot harder than we expected (as Beth mentioned.) It takes so much longer. And we believe the myth created by movies and commercials that show women "out with the girlfriends," laughing and shopping and having a great time every single weekend.
I could do an entirely separate post on "Lonely: Why I'm Glad I've Been It." In summary, I learned how to "be approachable" to others, and how important it is to invest the energy into friendships even when we're all busy. As I am a religious person, it deepened my faith, and left me with a keen empathy for other lonely people. I could add lines and lines more, but this is a comment, not a post.
Beth A. -- It's hard moving to a new place and finding friends, especially when you can't get together very much. I think I'll post some suggestions for how I made friends. (I LOVE giving advice and spouting ideas, just ask Swistle, and this is an issue dear to me.) If any of you have any suggestions, post it here or email me, and I'll include them.
Sorry - I'm late in commenting on this one! You are SO right - it is SO hard to make "mom" friends. I was just telling my husband yesterday that I was lonely and wanted to go out with some friends, but don't have any to go out with. He didn't understand why it was so hard, but then I pointed out that all of his friends are either coworkers or former coworkers. Made him stop and think a little bit.
I can't wait to hear the suggestions you promised Beth A.
Oh, you're so right. It's so hard! It's just like with men. You find some other moms, you start a relationship, you know they're not "the one" but you stay because really, what other options do you have right now? You don't want to be ALONE do you???
Or you really really like one mom, but she doesn't return phone calls, seems ambivalent about getting together, and then cancels at the last minute a lot of the time. I guess "[s]he's just not that into you."
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