Remarks and Retorts

And here you have an example of cheerful plagiarism.

A pregnant friend sent around the email below. Now, what kind of person takes a friend's funny email and saves it to disk to improve it and make it funnier? The same sort of person who then posts it on her anonymous blog without telling her friend. I'm not sure this person is a good influence on you, but it's your call. Anyway.

It's a mix of my words and hers, and I like most of it, but I just can't come up with some snappy answers for a couple of them. Any suggestions are appreciated. Obviously I'm good at building on others' work. By the way, I'm not actually pregnant right now, but I have a great deal of sympathy for my friend who got all these remarks.

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What They Say, and What You Don't Say...

1.) YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'VE GAINED ANYTHING
This is a lie.

2.) BUT YOU'RE ALL BELLY
This is another lie. I’m actually all belly, hips, and double chins. But this lie is better than the first one.

3.) YOU'RE DUE WHEN? OH, MY GOSH YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO STILL!
And here I was planning for the first full-term six-month pregnancy in history. Darn it.

4.) OH WOW! YOU'LL BE PREGNANT DURING THE HOTTEST MONTHS OF THE YEAR!!!
And I’ll be in pain when I’m in labor, and I don’t need you to tell me that, either.

5.) WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE ULTRASOUND SHOWS THE BABY WEIGHS TWO POUNDS? I WOULD'VE GUESSED MORE LIKE 6!
Good thing you didn’t because I get violent after 3 pounds.

6.) BUT YOU'RE SO BIG ALREADY. DO THEY HAVE YOUR DUE DATE RIGHT?
They do, because they know the date of my last period. Trust me, they KNOW the date of my last period. They have a morbid interest in it, and manage to work it into most conversations. “Hi, Mairzy. How are you? When was the date of your last period?” “Hello, Mairzy? I’m calling to let you know that you have an appointment with us tomorrow. When was the date of your last period?” “Mairzy, for insurance purposes we need your social security number and the date of...”

7.) ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT HAVING TWINS?
[drawing a blank here]

8.) YOU LOOK REALLY TIRED/UNCOMFORTABLE.
And you look ugly, but only because I’m feeling so tired and uncomfortable.

9.) YOU LOOK ALL SWELLED UP. IS SWELLED UP A WORD? BECAUSE YOU LOOK IT.
No, the word is 'swollen,' as in, "If I punched you in the nose it would become swollen."

So, what is okay to say? Tell me I look cute, that you like my shirt, my jewelry, my pedicure rocks, the color I'm wearing looks good on me... things you would say to a non-pregnant person. If what you're about to say to me is obvious or because you're trying to be funny... skip it. Chances are someone else has said it already. If you really have nothing to say, just give me cash.